It takes to to tango

Hello, yes this is me, your intrepid girl reporter, letting my inner language-snob out for a long-overdue romp.

People.

I saw the above picture attached to a news story and I will admit, I experienced a moment of dysphoria.

Is it possible that there is an adult skilled enough to produce such a beautiful hand-made sign, who does not know the difference between the words two and to?

This is the burning question.

If only it were an isolated incident of spelling, definitional, and syntactical ignorance.

But no. That would be too easy.

By way of illustration allow me to share with you several examples of shockingly interesting word-choice faux pas that have fallen directly under me flinty pirate gaze in recent days.

(They're especially entertaining if, like me, you engage in the type of mental condescension peculiar to those who proofread everything ... even in their sleep.)

Here we go. Seen in print within the last few weeks, in various places including periodicals and the interweb:

I tell you this not to illicit sympathy.

Uhm, no. The word you wanted was elicit. Tricky little homonyms!

With all do respect.

Ahem. Let's go with due; shall we? Infinitely more respectful.

Please bare with me.

You're on your own. I may bear but I won't bare.

He will always have hundreds of people at his beckoned call.

Close but no cigar! Whoever he is, he must be quite special but the expression is beck and call.

I am a child of the king and an heir to his thrown!

We knew not to stow thrones but lo (not low) and behold we will inherit thrown ... something.

Needles to say ...

Uhm, I think all you need is one more itty-bitty letter s and we're good to go.

Nothing worthwild can come of this.

Perhaps not, but if you have patience, perhaps in time you'll see it was worthwhile.

I waited with baited breath.

Earthworms? Night crawlers? Don't answer that. Next time, wait with bated breath instead.

All the men were wearing suites and ties.

As a sartorial statement that would be difficult to ignore! But I hope the trend doesn't catch on because wearing a suite must be very tiring. Surely a suit would be more comfortable?

I am trying to figure out what secrete you are hiding.

This is one of those times when restraint would be the better part of valor. Quit while you're ahead! Secretions are best kept private.

We were saving the kingdom from the evil hoades.

OK ... that sounds valiant and commendable but there's no such thing as a hoade. I think (I hope) you meant evil hordes.

Here, here!

Thanks ever so. Now that we know where you are, please next time write hear, hear!

Our hamster has a long tuff of hair right in front.

I'm sure he's a bruiser and unique in every way but that thing in front is actually a tuft.

She was proceeded in death by two sisters and an uncle.

That must have been fascinating but the word you wanted was preceded. 

He was struck by lightening.

Unless you're talking about the late Michael Jackson, the word you want is lightning.

He could not be swade by lies or hate.

That's admirable but perhaps if he is not careful, he will indeed be swayed.

The musical interlude featured Pachelbel's Cannon in D.

Not to nitpick but I doubt Pachelbel had a clue what to do with a cannon. He did however know his way around a canon.

(It amazes me that when printing wedding programs, people take great care with the spelling of Pachelbel but then almost always drop the ball on an easy word like canon.)

Speaking of weddings ...

The groomsmen wore dove-gray tuxedos with chartreuse silk cumberbuns.

Again, as haberdashery goes that would be magnificent except the word is cummerbund.

My dad had a problem with dizziness. The doctor said it was vertebra.

Alfred Hitchcock may not have had a medical degree but at least he knew the condition is called vertigo. He even made a movie about it.

There are so many more. My mother once saw printed in a church bulletin that a member who had undergone surgery for cancer had been forced to relinquish several limp nodes.

That must have been a shock to the parishioner's lymphatic system! We hoped for a speedy recovery.

Many folks complain of pain in the rotator cup.

Mine hurts too but I know it's the rotator cuff. That's some consolation.

Notice I didn't even touch the ever-amazing daily ill-usage and apparent interchangeability of words like your and you're, loose and lose, its and it's, there, their, and they're, and so on.

That's because I've come to the fatalistic conclusion that for a vast portion of the population, when it comes to the English language there's really no hope.

Maddening malapropisms, sophomoric syntax, pathetic punctuation, and unusual usage seem to be our fate.

Nevertheless I think we've all arrived at a very special place. The cute pirate agrees.

Happy Weekend!

Comments

[Mari]

Those spelling things always pop out at me and irritate me! I just saw some posting on FB saying they had been interested in art "sense" they were in high school. I cringed.

[Debbie]

Oh my, only you could write an article on spelling and end up with the 'cute pirate'.

Have a great weekend.

[Donna M.]

Those are hilarious examples! I can barely (not bearly) stand it!

[Donna (Texas)]

Hahahahaaa....your title caught me.. To To....Hahaaaa
And poor Johnny...alas, I think he's been lost at see...
Happy weekend!!!
hughugs

[Audrey]

I love this! Lol! Brilliant.

[Skunkfeathers]

Cyn, cyn, everywear a cyn... ;-)

[Justin Credible]

People that decide to spell out what is usually spoken as a contraction - would've, could've, should've - and get it wrong.

"Would of," they type. [Dean scream] ... [/Dean scream]

It's enough to make me gnash my teeth, and rend my hair, I tell you!

It really gets on my pet peeves, IYKWIMAITYD.

[Sue the Hobbit]

Johnny's not working. Kind of like most people's grammar sense.

[glenda]

I sents something afoot hear. Your way to funny.......G.