Here Comes The Snide

I can't decide whether it's a blessing or a curse, but I see the humor in almost everything. Today I was reading a magazine's special wedding issue. Various contributing writers and photographers had profiled several brides, all of whom were lovely as you might expect. But the more I read, the more I laughed. I'm not making fun of anyone (really I'm not) but I find a lot of this stuff hysterical.

In hindsight, [the bride] says while she was good about setting a budget, she was guilty of exceeding that limit.

Me too, honey ... and it doesn't even have to involve a wedding.

The reception allowed the couple to incorporate details they had not experienced at other weddings. For example, one part of the room included a candy bar -- with every type of pink candy you could imagine.

Once I realized they didn't mean a Snickers bar dominated a large area of the reception venue, I saw guests walking around with pink tongues and teeth like in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Willy would have liked that.

If you don't enjoy working out the small details, a home wedding might not be for you ...

Duh. If you get married at home you're going to have to work out all the small details. Not exactly a difficult concept to grasp. I think it could be argued, however, that no matter where you throw a wedding, you're going to have a heap of details (both large and small) to attend to.

Wedding rental companies are now offering "the well-dressed port-a-potty" ... hard-to-find pink and blue colors with mini sinks, vanities and mirrors allow guests adequate facilities without detracting from the event.

I'll bet. I wouldn't even notice being queued up in somebody's yard to use a porta-potty at a wedding, as long as it were color-coded to my gender.

Contact an electrician who can check that you have enough amps to meet the needs of the band and caterers. You may talk with neighbors about arranging heavy-duty cords to their homes so that you're not drawing solely from one area of your home.

Uhm ... yeah. I just know the neighbors won't mind the big electrical cord snaking from their house to your yard. Hope nobody trips on it at just the wrong time.

For the mosquito problem, do-it-yourselfers can purchase liquids to spray on the yard several weeks in a row leading up to the big day, or you can hire an exterminator to put out insecticide before the event.

Better yet, give little cans of OFF! as party favors. You can have the cans imprinted with the couple's names, and guests can take turns spraying one other.

Insurance is another item to consider when planning a home wedding. Lost rings, a guest who falls down the stairs, caterers failing to show ... all are disasters that could happen to anyone.

Who knew "caterers failing to show" was an insurable disaster? Can you also take out insurance in the event the groom fails to show? I mean, just to cover the cost of a new one.

Unless you're planning on taking your guests home after their cars have been towed, carefully consider your parking situation. Tell your neighbors about the event. If needed, ask to use their driveway space in order to make room for your guests.

Yeah, you might want to tell your neighbors (and local law enforcement) you're planning to host an all-day, half-the-night party for 200 guests in your backyard. And are these the same neighbors who are letting you use their electricity? Maybe you don't want to push your luck that far. Tell everyone to walk from the nearest Kroger. Or run a shuttle bus perhaps ...

In the South we believe in using our "pretty things" so you'll see each table set with real china, crystal and silver and decorated with coordinating centerpieces.

How very innovative! I guess in other parts of the country they believe in decorating with their "ugly things" and making sure nothing matches?!

When they weren't practicing law, [the bride- and groom-to-be] took long walks together -- especially on the boardwalk at the Congaree Swamp. So when it was time to discuss a wedding, an outdoor ceremony was a given.

In a swamp, of course ... don't forget the bug spray ...

It was an ideal day weather-wise ... no humidity and not too hot.

NO humidity? They took that thing out of state, y'all.

For one couple's 2006 "green" wedding, he wore a hemp shirt, they planted an evergreen tree together, and they served locally grown vegetarian cuisine to guests who sat on blankets in the grass.

Sit down on the ground! Here is your locally-grown carrot! Thanks for coming! No, you may not smoke the groom's shirt!

Suppliers now have biodegradable plates made of sugar cane fiber and biodegradable utensils that are potato-based.

So if the caterer fails to show, you can just tell your guests to eat their place settings.

For those wanting to tap local resources for reception foods or who wish to host a 100 percent organic reception, expect to pay more. The general consensus is that a green menu will cost an additional 20 percent.

That's why they call it green! Whatever else it does, it certainly doesn't conserve money.

Make certain the rings come from ethical jewelers who ensure stones were mined using humane practices.

Uhm ... make certain? ... how would you go about doing that unless you yourself witnessed the stone being mined? And that could get expensive. Again, what these green weddings conserve in natural resources they waste in cold hard cash.

Find a green caterer.

May I suggest Kermit the frog?  All natural.

[The bride] wanted her quarter horse, Buddy, to play the role of carriage horse. However, limited time to train the show horse to pull a carriage for the big day caused her to change plans. Instead, Buddy made an appearance in [the bride's] bridal portraits, taken before the wedding. He also watched the festivities of the outdoor reception from the comforts of his fenced-in pasture.

Yes, he watched, and ate shrimp cocktail from his oats bucket. There is photographic evidence of that fact. And he did it with nary a whinny ... although for the photo shoot he did demand his own dressing room.

Pet sightings are becoming increasingly popular at all types of weddings ... in some occasions elevated to the role of "bridesdog" or "groomsdog" ... "It's really taken off," said the owner of a local upscale pet clothing store. "Mostly with younger people."

Hmmmm ... why am I not surprised? As for pet sightings ... is that anything like UFO sightings?

Upscale clothing items [for pets] include black dresses with pearl accents, sweater tuxedos, bow ties and hair ribbons. Interestingly, for those pets that play the ringbearing role, there are even pillows that attach in some way.

Well, yeah ... but it occurs to me, where do you put "hair ribbons" on an animal? They're all hair! And the ring pillows "attaching in some way" ... that would be helpful since the dog needs all its "hands" to walk on.

[The bride and groom's] upbringings dictated that they would not have a traditional wedding.

And yet she wore a long white dress for the ceremony, which was officiated by a person of the cloth, after which they served finger food, cake, and champagne to assembled guests. Really breaking out of the traditional mode, they were! Bold moves there.

[The bride's] father blew a conch shell horn to signal the beginning of the wedding.

And he did that without even a single drop of rum.

The 200 guests mingled among food stations offering not only standard meats but also conch fritters ...

Who says conch is not a standard meat? Even pre-blown conch? We have it all the time at my house. Tastes just like chicken.

[The groom's] main job was to plan the music for the ceremony and reception. He took it seriously, arranging for three different types of music to be played.

C'mon man ... you call that taking it seriously? Out of all the types of music there are in the world, you could only arrange for three? Better keep your day job, buster.

We had a "destination wedding" because we wanted a relaxing wedding, not just a big blur. Most resorts offer a free wedding service; then, if you want extra things, there are additional charges.

So they hitch you for "free" and then, if you want a bottle of water, that'll be $19.99.

Once they arrive at the resort, [the bride and groom] will be shown the gazebo in the gardens and the beach as two possible spots for the ceremony. "We'll decide then," says [the bride].

I know that for me, it would be difficult to just envision a beach as opposed to a gazebo in the gardens. I'd have to see it with my own eyes.

The resort catered to [the bride and groom] -- even handing them a cool towel and a glass of champagne when the shuttle arrived at the entrance.

I'd know I'd arrived at a place much too hot for me if the first thing they handed me was a cool towel.

When planning a destination wedding, think about the needs of guests. If you want to marry on a mountaintop, think about how great-grandmother might arrive at the destination.

Sounds like great-granny might need to parachute in. No worries! I'm sure there's insurance for that. And don't forget a white satin backpack and white lace hiking shoes for the bride. And several pink and blue port-a-potties.

Comments

[Audrey]

Okay, so I laughed so hard @ this one I was practically crying. My favorite was about insurance in case the groom "fails to show". That must be expensive...goodness. Those men willing to marry are few and far between. Anyway, it was hysterical and I enjoyed reading it. Reminded me of Dave Barry. HaHa.

Love,

Audrey

[Jenny]

Audrey, I'll bet you could find half a dozen men "willing to marry" within the same number of days ... but would you be "willing to marry" them? LOL! Glad you got a chuckle ... saying it reminded you of the great DB (one of my most-admired humorists and a lifelong inspiration) was high praise indeed.