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Purity: Unpopular But Still Possible
Thursday, September 10, 2009 at 02:44PM 
Where is it written that it is understood and assumed by society at large that people are required to be sexually active prior to marriage, or outside the bonds of matrimony?
Is there a way to debunk the pervasive notion that there is no other course of behavior available to human beings?
Can we at least agree to NOT agree that kids are simply "going to do it" no matter what, and that "kids" now means people as young as seven years old, and not even someone who has reached puberty?
And can we agree that it is a bald-faced LIE that there is not a blessed thing any of us can do to prevent our children from surrendering their purity as casually as one might hand over a fifty-cent coupon at the grocery store?
While we're asking so many questions, how about one more: Has the entire world gone stark staring mad?
Speaking of questions, "What set her off?" is one you might be asking yourself at this juncture.
If that's liberation, I will gladly accept the "slavery" of boundaries designed to preserve both personal purity and the sanctity of human life.
I am glad you asked. I've been stewing for awhile over an inquiry made by a physician to one of my daughters.
The question was straightforward: "How do you keep from getting pregnant?"
"Okay," you might say. "Fair question for a doctor to ask."
But the problem is, he's her dermatologist.
(Or more accurately, was her dermatologist. Since asking the question, he has been relieved of that duty.)
See, he had just asked my daughter, a beautiful young woman (who, though 20-something, is single and, as such, is unapologetically a virgin), whether she is "on the Pill."
In my opinion that's a valid query for a skin doctor to make of a girl my daughter's age. After all, if she were "on the Pill" (which she's not), it could affect her skin.
But when she responded "No," he persisted. Wanted to know how, in light of her Pill-lessness, she keeps from getting pregnant.
I call that creepy.
(And lest you doubt, I informed him of that opinion. In writing.)
My daughter -- who is neither backward nor naive -- provided an answer as succinct as it was truthful: "I abstain."
"Oh!" He responded.
I daresay it had been awhile since that archaic method of avoiding pregnancy had occurred to him as an option for young, unmarried girls.
She abstains. What a novel idea. Because she is single, my daughter is not sexually active. Alert the media! Call Oprah! Call CNN! Call Fox News! Groundbreaking: there is a freak girl living in America who chooses to remain pure until marriage!
Except that no, she isn't. A freak, that is. And that no, it isn't. Groundbreaking, that is. Or at least, it shouldn't be.
Is there any reason why, when it comes to sexual purity, so many adults are unwilling to tell it like it is?
To wit:
According to The New York Times, as of May, 2008, one-fourth of the white girls and one-half of the black girls in America aged 14-19 are infected with sexually transmitted diseases. Many of them have more than one STD. These are diseases they will carry with them throughout life and which will affect their relationships and the health of their children, and which in many cases will contribute to their own early death from illnesses such as cervical cancer.
Not to mention, the behavior that results in such dire infections also often produces children ... fifty million of whom have been slaughtered since 1973, when women were supposedly "liberated" by the Supreme Court decision in historic Roe v. Wade.
If that's liberation, I will gladly accept the "slavery" of boundaries designed to preserve both personal purity and the sanctity of human life.
It is undeniable that the vast majority of the suffering being caused by STDs today could have been avoided if these young women had been taught and encouraged to refrain from illicit sexual activity.
And if they had been helped by responsible adults to adhere to that standard.
Because I am fully aware that, while the goal of remaining pure until marriage is certainly attainable, it is also highly idealistic.
But it is important enough that I can unequivocally say that if you do nothing else for your daughters (and sons, if you dare), teach them that at the very least, it is unwise to engage in sexual activity before marriage.
Mine is not a popular viewpoint. I am aware of that.
You don't have to approach it from a moral standpoint if you're not comfortable with that. Simply do it for her (and his) own health, welfare, and happiness.
(Although I make no apology for believing -- and having taught my four children -- that, according to Scripture, we are "fearfully and wonderfully made" by our Creator. And that with acceptance of "so great salvation" comes great responsibility.)
Whatever your motivation, if you commit to this course for the sake of your children, be prepared to be inconvenienced by extreme peer pressure (provided by other young people and, sadly, even their parents) and the considerable rigors of supervising adolescents.
When your children were babies you cared for their physical bodies and -- I hope -- did whatever was necessary to protect them from illness and abuse.
It is real devotion to continue that same loving watchfulness all the way to the altar.
Yes; I realize that all sorts of bad things happen to people even when they've kept themselves for marriage and endeavored to make a good marriage. We are not perfect and we do not inhabit a perfect world.
More's the pity.
And no; mine is not a popular viewpoint. I am aware of that. Absolute truth -- particularly with a moral twist -- is rarely embraced or lauded by the masses.
So be it.
Reader Comments (10)
A loud, booming "AMEN!"
I was once asked by (male) freshman students of mine if I had a girlfriend (they knew I wasn't married). I smiled and said no. I knew what their follow-up question was going to be, and sure enough they asked it. "Are you a virgin?"
"Of course," I replied.
(To those unaware, I taught at a private, Christian school.)
Now, I knew the boys asking this question, based on their reputations, weren't virgins. They were trying to embarrass me. But I also knew a majority of the other boys in the class *were* virgins, and surely felt inferior for being so. So, I proceeded to speak for their benefit. If I could show it was nothing to be embarrassed about, they'd be more likely to stand their ground in the future.
(I blogged about this once, so I had a copy of the conversation saved from when it was fresh in my mind.)
"Of course I am. I'm not married, am I?"
"But..." one boy began to say.
"But what? There's an expression I like that goes, 'any dog can have sex.' In other words, it's not that big of an accomplishment. People do it all over the world, every day, every hour, every minute. So what's the big deal? It's not like this is an exclusive club or anything."
"Have you ever even had the chance," a smug punk (okay, that's mean) kid asks.
"Yes, I have. I've even broken up with a person I cared about because she wanted an 'adult' relationship. Again, like I said, it's not big of an accomplishment. Go to Wal-Mart. Look at the odd people walking around. They've likely all had sex, and so did the odd people who brought them into this world."
"Why don't you have sex," a shy kid finally asks.
"Ah, now there's the question. Why? Because I believe in this (holds up my Bible). Because I don't want the rest of my life turned upside down by a STD or pregnancy. Because I respect myself.
"It's not difficult to have sex, guys. The difficult part is NOT having sex. Those of you who fail that test are playing with fire. And if you think I'm embarrassed to be a virgin, if you think that's something you can actually mock someone about, you're stupider than you look and I'm amazed you can dress yourselves in the mornings."
(I had a habit of being blunt and sharp tongued as a teacher.)
So, in short (haha), I agree with everything you wrote. ;)
@ Kev .. HOO-AH! I hereby dub you the Sultan of Salient! Seriously ... your comment is better than my post. Truly. I appreciate your contribution to this discussion. Very inspiring, honest, and truth-to-powerish. I need to search your blog for when you wrote on this subject. Good job, friend. I'm grateful for you.
I loved the comment by Kev too. We have been dealing with some of these issues too. Our daughter is on Accutane. To be on it, you need to be on the pill and have monthly pregnancy tests. It doesn't matter if you are not sexually active, you still have to do these things. It's very frustrating to her to be paying for the tests and the pill when she doesn't want it. It got worse this week when a note came from the Dr saying the insurance wanted her to be tested for Chlamydia. She called the insurance company and they did back down after hearing what she had to say. They just can't believe someone is abstaining!
@ Mari ... ooooohhhh that makes me want to yell at somebody! It's one thing when girls who have chosen (at their own risk) to be sexually active are subjected to such tests and inquiries. In a way, they invite it by their behavior and should realize that it goes with the territory.
But for a pure girl to be treated that way by a doctor and/or an insurance company -- and to be forced to explain herself in a defensive fashion -- is so wrong. I admire your daughter for her courage and strength of character. Please tell her I said so, and remind her that she's NOT alone.
Great post! I also want to yell at the tv (and sometimes do) every time the Gardasil commercial comes on. Just teach your children right and they would not need to have that vaccine. Abstinence is the only way. Again, great post!
@ Vicki ... thank you, and thanks for stopping by! When the Gardasil commercials came out a year or so ago I wondered what the deal was on HPV. I did a little research and discovered that if a girl is sexually pure, her risk of contracting HPV is almost nil. And so the pharmaceutical companies' heralding of Gardasil as a miracle vaccine was only another way to encourage girls to have sex at even younger ages. Yet another example of the ways in which liberal philosophies (read: lies) tend to death.
AMEN!!! I was taught that my virginity was a gift from God for my husband on our wedding night, and that I was entrusted with it until time to give it to him. I did and it was beautiful and bonding, as evidenced by the fact that after more than 30 years we are still very much in love. Our sons were raised to be pure and they were (and, the unmarried one is). Our oldest just got married to a pure bride, and they are in their late 20s - early 30s. Our sons are smart, lively, funny, responsible Christian young men - very manly men, I might add. My nieces are being raised as modest young women - and my sister and brother-in-law had to change churches because the MINISTER thought the girls were too sheltered! (they are very active in all sorts of community activities. but they are chaperoned and have been taught purity). On the other hand I have seen so much pain in the lives of those who gave it all away too soon and too casually. Some of them never seem to grow up and set their kids an example of a string of casual sex partners. If we parents don't start teaching our children properly we will reap a crop of miserable grandkids, if nothing else.
@ Tracie ... thanks for your honest and very encouragement contribution to the discussion. In many ways our stories are identical. I was not raised in a Christian home but came to Christ at the age of 14. Even so, there was never any question in my mind that I wanted to be a virgin on my wedding day. And I was, and I want the same thing for my daughters and my son -- all of whom are bright, beautiful, vibrant people -- and so far, so very very good.
We have a wonderful son-in-law who is a pastor, and I am trusting God for equally sweet Christian men for our other two daughters. Our son, age 20, is successful at sports as well as music, has a stellar work ethic, serves in the Air Force, and has a lovely Christian girlfriend who is a pure and sweet young lady.
We are so grateful for the testimonies of our three girls and our son. They have never balked or questioned or given us a moment's trouble regarding modest dress or the activities we would sanction for them. Thank God for young people who do not follow either the crowd or the wicked world system.
Congratulations to you and your husband for rearing fine Christian young people! There will be many more rewards as the years go by!
I read this the other day, but didn't have time to digest and formulate an answer. Your posts are certainly thought-provoking!
I will freely admit here and now that I did not play the field, I 'stayed pure'. Was it a good idea? On the whole I tend to think so - and I'm talking just from the secular standpoint here, because clearly from the traditional Christian religious standpoint the answer is obvious. From the secular POV, there are arguments for and against, but these days, the dangers of having multiple partners are clear and ever-present.
However. I raised my children to be thinking, reasoning, moral people. I then left them to make their own decisions and choices, because they do not belong to me as if they were possessions. And I cannot raise them to adulthood (eighteen years old in this country) and then abandon them to responsibility for themselves, if I don't allow them gradual freedoms of choice long before that. I didn't veto much, when they were growing, and to their credit, they are moral, upright young men now.
As to doctors having a say in the moral welfare of our children, this appals me. I was stunned and dismayed when our government decided to give doctors the right to prescribe birth control to children without parent consent or knowledge. You don't have to be religious (of any colour) to be able to see that it is very, very wrong. If you truly believe a child is in the hands of someone incapable of caring for their moral welfare, remove them from said person and give them to someone who is, don't tie the parents' hands behind their back by condoning behaviour of which they might not approve - or providing ANY kind of medical care to a minor without the parents' knowledge. It's crazy and dangerous.
@Jay ... your comments are always wonderfully thought-provoking too. Of course, my POV will always be that of a Christian, because that's what I am. however, unlike my children, I was not raised in a Christian home or taught and trained by Christian parents. I had been inside a church perhaps half a dozen times before I became a born-again Christian at the age of 14.
I saw firsthand the degradation of sexual immorality. I felt its sting and suffered its abuses. Nobody needed to tell me that it was not a good idea to sleep around; I was pretty smart and I just "knew" it. Of course, you and I grew up in a slightly more innocent time! I wasn't overly supervised after the age of 14 until I married at 22, but I wanted to honor the Lord with my life. By His grace -- not my own merit -- I was able to do that in measures much too small. But I did purpose in my heart to make choices that would ensure my happiness and security, and it paid off big. It's really not rocket science.
Like yours, my children are grown now. All but one are entirely emancipated. I realize that it is possible not all of them will adhere to my way of thinking all the way to the altar, but I certainly hope they do. And frankly, if they don't, I will feel like a failure. I truly believe that our children are not what we say we are, but are what we truly are. They reflect our actual values and not just the ones we prate about in public.
Sadly, there are snares out in the world in the form of people who were NOT trained and taught and encouraged to respect themselves enough to maintain sexual integrity. Just like the bad drivers who cause we perfect drivers to have accidents (LOL), bad companions have the ability to corrupt good morals. And so I keep communication lines open with my single adult children and I am not afraid to ask questions. We've been very fortunate because it is obvious to me at this point that my children are NOT merely parroting or copying the behavior espoused by their father and me.
Like your fine sons, they are moral people. I am so thankful for them as I know you are for yours.
And like you, I am appalled by government intervention into the morals and sexual health of children with no input allowed by parents. The people who put these policies into place will answer to God for that, whether they believe in Him or not. President Obama's new healthcare bill will put Planned Parenthood clinics inside the public schools, and they will be accountable to no one but Kathleen Sebelius -- a rabid pro-abort in the cabinet. Parents and and school authorities will be powerless to intervene in PP's dealings with little girls. I have no doubt that, unless this is stopped, it is just a matter of time before a girl will be able to get an abortion at school and be sent home with an aspirin to sleep it off. God help us.