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Caw Occasion, Part Two
Tuesday, March 31, 2009 at 07:44PM 
Has anyone wondered why this post is entitled Caucasian -- er, I mean, Caw Occasion? Other than the obvious reference to crows, that is? Anyone?
Hang tight and I'll tell you.
On the same day I was obliged to run thieving crows off the place, I learned that one of our daughters has been passing for white.
As you might imagine, it was a shocking revelation. Not quite Imitation of Life shocking, but close.
She had worn her medium-length, chestnut-brown hair straight instead of loosely curled that day.
Our middle girl, Erica, is employed by a massive government-subsidized insurance conglomerate. In her pod of 18 workers, 14 -- including the supervisor -- are black.
For the most part, relations among all parties are cordial. It got a little dicey around late October, early November of 2008 -- necessitating circulation of a stern memo from upper management stating that whomever brought up the subject of politics while on the job risked being severely reprimanded or even fired -- but the culprits straightened up and a crisis was averted.
Besides, Erica likes her coworkers and they seem to like her. Being a sweet young lady and part Irish, she gets along well with most everybody. She just smiles when her black colleagues make fun of her Josh Groban wall calendar while allowing that even they listen to "W People" music now and then.
But when Erica came home and shared this bit of blarney: "I found out today I'm not white," she rendered her father and me all but speechless.
(Yes, there are rare moments when I cannot think of a thing to say ... but I usually recover very quickly. I will thank you not to snicker.)
Turns out Erica had worn her medium-length, chestnut-brown hair straight instead of loosely curled that day, and several of the ladies at work had commented on it. She replied, teasingly: "Just trying to look young and hip."
(She gets that expression from me, and I got it from Charla Krupp. In Charla's wonderful book How Not To Look Old, she teaches you how to look Y&H -- Young and Hip -- instead of OL -- Old Lady. In my opinion that's VUI -- Very Useful Information.)
Immediately the women of color reacted to Erica's choice of words. "No, you don't say hip; you say in," they lectured, turning their elbows out and pointing fingers sort of towards the floor for emphasis.
Erica, puzzled but also a tad irked, shot back: "Why ... because I'm white?"
That's when they said it.
"You ain't white," someone asserted. A few others agreed.
The way we are, the way we have always been, is simply too odious to contemplate any longer.
To prove their point, the women pressed Erica to reveal the nationalities of her parents' ancestors.
"My mother's were mostly Irish and my father's were German," Erica responded.
"See, that's not white," she was told. "When you fill out a form and you get to the box for 'Race,' you got to check 'Other.'"
Oh.
So now, apparently, my daughter (and by natural extension, the rest of our family) can't even belong to a specific race? We cannot refer to ourselves as Caucasian or White but should be labeled Other?
The United States Census Bureau says differently. I looked it up. Not that I needed to.
It's mystifying that the nice black folks alongside whom my daughter works don't want her to be white. What stake could they possibly have in that? Perhaps even more astounding is these people's apparent belief that simply by saying she's not white, they can change the fact that she actually is white.
After all, human beings have no say-so regarding the race into which they are born. Nor have they power to alter it. It's not as though Erica was given a choice of races, picked white, and (until now) has been getting away with something.
Part of the solution to this conundrum lies in recognizing the copious amounts of White Guilt being heaped upon the average White American's head every day, as if to imply that the way we are, the way we have always been, is simply too odious to contemplate any longer.
We are being made to choke on the generations-old guilt that clings to us no matter how many amends -- whether substantive or symbolic -- we desire to make, attempt to make, or are forced to make. No number of taxpayer-funded government programs, entitlement policies, welfare dollars, affirmative actions, or mortgage giveaways can stanch the flow of deserved White Guilt.
Any demographic in America that includes being white, being to any degree educated or prosperous, being socially and fiscally conservative, and/or espousing adherence to any standard of conduct that might smack of faith-based morality, is the new clubs-baby-seals-just-for-fun type of sick, disgusting, undesirable sort of person.
And if we who are painted with that brush don't like the characterization, or openly disagree with those who promote it, one catch-all term sums us up neatly: Racist. Or, better yet: Homophobic Puritanical Racist Wasteful Polar-Bear-Killing Selfish Profiling Warmongering Earth-Plunderer.
Are you able to recall the last time you saw an ad that addressed the problem of syringes and other drug paraphernalia languishing in landfills?
It seems that the White American has become the new iconic Ugly American, while the Ugly Capitalist is becoming the new iconic White American.
It's as though we should now be willing to relinquish our precious hard-won freedoms while feeling appropriately contrite that we've enjoyed them for so long.
But it ain't only White Guilt in those big liberal backhoes, y'all. There's so much more to feel guilty about!
Being predominantly Irish, I was chagrined to learn that even the name "St. Patrick's Day" is no longer considered PC ... sure and begorrah, some have suggested we now need to be callin' March 17th "Potato Day."
(That would be a white potato; right?)
(Actually, I'd agree to it if St. Patrick would come back and run the snakes -- black, white, red, blue, green, rainbow-hued -- out of Washington, like he did in Ireland.)
An ad on television depicts a person snoring in their bed, a plastic bottle of water on the nightstand. Beneath this peaceful scene appear the words: "A moment on the lips, forever in a landfill." And then: "Drink Responsibly."
Are you able to recall the last time you saw an ad that addressed the problem of the millions of beer cans -- or for that matter, syringes and other drug paraphernalia -- languishing in landfills? You never have and you never will ... and yet you must feel guilty if you drink water from a plastic bottle.
And yes, I know that aluminum cans are recyclable ... but so are plastic bottles. If they're not, why do I throw my Caffeine-Free Diet Pepsi empties -- along with a myriad of other plastic containers -- into a recycling bin?
I was opening a food item in my kitchen recently. Printed right on the label was the claim that the packaging itself was "responsible." People, I'm sorry, but packaging cannot be responsible; only people can be responsible.
Speaking of responsible people, last Saturday was "Earth Day" -- which meant that, for an hour in the evening, we were all supposed to turn off every light in the house. Being disinclined to acquiesce to that request, we left ours blazing.
Rather than wallow in guilt for his tactile proclivities, one kid had his friends duct-tape his arms to his sides.
(By the way, Al Gore didn't find it convenient to participate in the symbolic global blackout either. Someone sat outside his place to make sure.)
(Maybe his Nobel Prize is afraid of the dark.)
And speaking of lights, you're dispatched on a year-long guilt trip with nothing but a toothbrush and one change of underwear, a hissing cockroach your sole companion, if you still use incandescent lightbulbs in your house. You'll have to pry mine from my cold, dead hands.
And speaking of cold, as part of a "cool cars" initiative, certain powers-that-be in California have suggested outlawing black cars in order to reduce greenhouse gas emissions! The plan has been tabled for now, but imagine being forced to either buy a new car, paint your existing one, or walk everywhere, just because your car is black! Think about it ... dark-colored cars bad, light-colored cars good. Something tells me that won't go over well.
And for the environmental masochist who just can't get enough guilt, there's always the special gizmo designed by a Swiss lady. You wear this "techno-garter" on your leg, and if you use more than your allotment of electricity or fail to talk nice to your "carbon-fixing" house plants, it drives stainless-steel spikes into your flesh!
On second thought, I'll take one of those ... with a side of Johnny Depp.
Just this week, kids in a Massachusetts school were forbidden to continue hosting a monthly ice-cream social fund raiser (the proceeds from which have benefitted a local soup kitchen) because ice cream isn't "healthy" and besides, their selling it constitutes "competition" for the school cafeteria (which also sells unhealthy ice cream).
Kids in a Connecticut school can no longer touch, even to do a "high five" or hug one another when something good happens, like their team scoring a point, or acing a test. Rather than wallow in guilt for his tactile proclivities, one kid had his friends duct-tape his arms to his sides (did someone have to touch him to do that?) in protest of the new rule.
This nonsense emanates from schools where the nurse hands out oral contraceptives and condoms -- completely guilt-free! -- like lollipops, without informing parents.
(I wonder why students need those if they're not supposed to touch one another?)
I have a feeling upper management would get involved in that one, supported by the human resources department.
I find it ironic that if young people want to eat ice cream and goof around and enjoy being kids, they're made to feel guilty about that. But if they want to be sexually intimate and behave like adults, the school gives its tacit imprimatur, conveniently conceals their behavior from their parents, and even provides props.
And all of the above takes place in schools where, if you feel like reciting the Pledge of Allegiance or saying a prayer, you have to skulk from the room and go to a dark, lonely place where you won't offend anyone.
Another television ad -- this one for retailer Stein Mart -- features a female shopper enthusing over the stylish bargains to be found at the chain's stores. At the end of the pitch she hazards a supposition that even Michelle Obama would enjoy shopping at Stein Mart. Then she goes all shy and hesitant and asks, as though worried she's been guilty of crossing some sort of line: "Can I say that?"
Yeah. Yeah, honey, if Stein Mart will pay you to say it, you can say it. No worries. With all due respect, the Obamas aren't royalty. Yet.
What will we be required to feel guilty about next? Baseball? Apple Pie? Mom? Breathing? Smiling? Singing? Working? Wishing? Worshiping? Loving? Hoping? Existing?
But I digress.
Imagine with me, if you will, the hue and cry that would arise in the general atmosphere if my oh-yes-she-is-white daughter told one of her black coworkers that they belonged to no race, but should always check "Other."
Or worse yet, if she referred to them to their faces as "B People."
I have a feeling upper management would get involved in that one, supported by the human resources department, a grievance committee, a few trial lawyers, Al Sharpton, the NAACP, the ACLU, and for all I know, the FBI and PeTA.
As for said "Other" daughter -- she of dubious ancestry -- I hope she figures out a way to make her podmates eat a bite or two of crow ... albeit in a nice, kind, politically correct, "W People" sort of way.
Reader Comments (14)
LOL! That was fantastic..you hit the nail right on the head as it were.
Yes - you got it again! I can't believe what is going on. By the way - the lights were on at our house on Earth Day night too!
@ Audrey ... that's why they call me the hammer!
@ Mari ... I thought as much! LOL! Good for you!
First let me say that the movie "Imitation of Life" is one of my all time favorite movies. I remember seeing in on TV years ago with my mother. I blubbered like a baby. I found a DVD somewhere and now I have it in my most prized DVD collection, along with "Somewhere In Time".
On Black cars, isn't it racist to ban only Black cars???? hehehe
Many times I have seen people who I had no idea what race they are. They are beautiful, bronze-skinned human beings. I don't care what their ancestry is.
Me? As far as I know I'm White, but there are probably very few, if any, pure in any race.
Great article as always. You and your daughter have a great sense of humor, a requirement for getting along in this world.
@ Debbie ... another classic movie lover! Imitation of Life almost always makes me cry too, along with another Lana Turner tour de force, Madame X.
And while I don't know whether it's racist to ban black cars (funny play on words, though, LOL), it's definitely discriminatory as black is the second most popular car color. What's first? Wait for it ... WHITE!
As to race, what's funny is that one of Erica's coworkers is always intoning "I dont see color." And yet, to watch them and listen to them, the black people in her pod seem to see nothing but color. Their speech and actions belie their claim to be non-racist.
Of course none of the races are pure, and someone's race makes no difference to me either. But American Whites are of European and British descent. We can't change it just because someone doesn't like the way it sounds or makes them feel!
If someone of Irish and German descent is "other", exactly who IS white/Caucasian according to Erica's co-workers??
@ Kev ... excellent question! She did not inquire, but when we put our heads together we came up with maybe the British? As good a guess as any, I suppose. None of it makes any sense.
One needn't look far to see where race divisiveness and making up classes of 'victims' comes from. One particular political ideology (probably the same one that got spanked at work during the election cycle). And the same one that would tell a caucasian that she isn't caucasian, because THEY say so.
A liberal/progressive = regressive
More proof to me -- not that any is needed -- that liberal dumbed-down education has done a good job with their core constituents.
I'm Brit, Scots, German, Scandanavian, Belgian, French, Swiss, Dutch in ancestry. I'm a caucasian, and 100% American. End of discussion, and no debate with race-baiting morons ;-)
@ SF ... "regressive" ... yeah! Love that! The last two sentences of your comment are pure patriotic genius. Right on, my brother.
This reminds me of how my sons say it's not considered PC to be a guy these days either. Or as one of my sons says, the only ones that are allowed to be men these days are women! Personally, I still like REAL men! As for heritage, I'm proud to be American and grateful to be Christian.
@ Tracie ... me too ... I'm a real live woman, married to a real live man. Wouldn't have it any other way. That's a tremendous insight your son shared ... if a very sad one. What can you expect, though, in a country whose president thinks our National Anthem is "bellicose" and wants to change it to I'd Like To Teach The World To Sing ... ???
Wow! That was really great! I read them together and I think you did a really greaat job making your points!
Hey .. wait a minute .. I'm still struggling to understand why your daughter's co-workers want her to be Not White, and you tell me kids aren't supposed to touch each other???
Bad enough that teachers can't pick up and hug a fallen tot, but not letting kids touch each other? That is just plain sick. I'm appalled and disgusted.
@ Erica ... thanks luv!
@ Jay ... that makes two of us! Partly it has to do with our new regime ... you know, the one that's been in the UK touching the Queen!