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Statisticos de Mi Vida Loca
Thursday, December 4, 2008 at 11:44PM 
I do not speak Spanish and I have no idea if the title of this hodgepodge of a post makes any sense, because I basically made up that first word.
So be it.
More to the point:
Number Of Things I Need To Get Done As Soon As Possible: One trillion million gazillion.
Percentage Of My Christmas Shopping That Is Done: Ninety. I think.
Percentage Of Purchased Christmas Presents That Are Wrapped: Ninety. I think.
Location Of Said Wrapped Christmas Presents: Dining room table.
Now we simply do it to add ceremony to the oath-administering process, with the intended result of making folks think twice before they commit perjury.
Reason Presents Populate Dining Table: The tree is still in its box; I haven't had time to put it up. I have been concentrating on shopping.
Christmas Present I Bought For TG: A light-gray tee bearing these words in distressed white lettering: Here I am. Now what were your other two wishes?
He does not really want to know the answer to that question.
Something I Actually Heard Someone Say Yesterday: "He has a new leash on life!"
I hope he's happy with the life he's leading.
Funniest Thing That Happened To Me At Work Today: I asked the deponent to raise his right hand so that I could place him under oath. Only thing is, he doesn't have a right hand. So he raised his hook. Honest.
How Embarrassed I Was In That Moment: Extremely. Must admit, that was a first for me. (Not the being embarrassed part ... that was approximately the one trillion million gazillionth time for that.) I was embarrassed that I had asked a handless man to raise his hand. Wouldn't you have been?
Number Of Times I Have Sworn A Witness Who Had Only One Hand: Two. The other time was about three years ago. But as it was his left hand that was missing, I had no cause to ask him to raise something that did not exist, and hence was not embarrassed.
By the way ... does anyone know why a witness is asked to raise his or her right hand when preparing to render sworn testimony?
Anyone? Anyone?
It's because during the Dark Ages, if you were a known criminal, you were branded on the right palm so that in the unfortunate event you were involved in subsequent legal proceedings, it would be obvious to the judge that you'd been around the block a time or five.
Now we simply do it to add ceremony to the oath-administering process, with the intended result of making folks think twice before they commit perjury.
Percentage Of The Time This Actually Works: No one knows, but I suspect it's in the ten to fifteen range. Just a guess.
Number Of Depositions I Have Reported Since September 3, 2008: Thirty-three. With five more to be done between tomorrow and December 15th.
For me, as I am essentially lazy, that is a lot. That is many. That is pretty close to too many.
And yes, I have personally typed and proofread every word, every line, every page of them all.
Number Of Pages I Have Typed And Proofread In The Last Ninety Days: One Thousand Eight Hundred Fifty Nine.
Number Of Hours I Have Spent Driving To, Returning From, Or Reporting Deposition Proceedings Within The Last Ninety Days: Two Hundred Thirty Seven.
Date My Notary Commission Expires, If I Don't Expire First: July 14, 2014.
How Old I Will Be On That Date: None of your beeswax.
What I Must Have Right Now: Sleep.
Reader Comments (17)
Whew! You tired me out reading what you've been up too. And - I love your right arm story. Who would have thought?
Mari ... certainly not me! Truth, as always, is likely to be stranger (and funnier) than fiction!
Asking a handless man to raise his hook reminds me of Senator Biden asking the handicapped State Senator Graham to stand up out of his wheelchair. Priceless.
Of course, I imagine that is the only comparison I could possibly ever draw between you and Biden. ;-)
OUCH! Even that comparison hurts, Angi! At least I have the excuse of HAVING to ask the poor man to raise his hand. Joe didn't have to keep saying "Stand up, Chuck!"
Child, you are seriously losing it! you need to relax with some Publix eggnog (do you guys have Publix? They make the best eggnog), and the new Josh Groban Christmas CD in a comfy chair with your footed pajamas on. Do you think they would look at you funny if you did that WHILE taking a deposition???
Missy, if this goes on much longer those lawyers are gonna see my robe and slippers! BTW YES, we have Publix AND I love eggnog AND we bought Josh's CD "Noel" last year, so I'm all set. And you better believe on Christmas Day at least, I will be doing exactly what you described! Even if we have to eat pizza for dinner.
I just can't help laughing about the right hook (ha-I should word that differently) incident. But since you have to ask that, surely everyone understood and they weren't secretly calling you insensitive or anything like that.
I hope you can take some time to relax soon!
I don't think you should have been embarrassed for telling the man with the hook to raise his hook hand.
However, if you had been talking like a pirate when asking him...then yes, yes you should have been embarrassed.
"Raise yer hand, ya scallywag. Arrr!"
@ Erin ... I hope you're right. The lawyers present have been in all 30 of these depos with me, and we know one another pretty well. We are still laughing about that one. And I actually thought the "right-hook" thing ... wish I'd thought to say it like you did, LOL!
@ Kev ... Now WHY didn't I think to treat him like a pirate? It would have been the only bright spot in a long, dreary day of testimony about escalators! Well, there was lunch and that killer chicken sandwich ...
Did I read you right? 90% of your Christmas shopping done! I'm impressed. And your trivia on raising the right hand was quite interesting. I wish it was that easy to recognize stupers! By the way, aren't you due for a vacation soon?
Keli ... yeah girl, I am being blinded by the light at the end of the gift-buying tunnel!
What's a vacation?
I am done preparing for Xmas, save for listening to my Manheim Steamroller Xmas album ;-) Got it all done in advance of Halloween. I need all the lack of stress I can get, wherever from I can get it!!!
@ SF ... sounds as if you are all squared away, my friend! Excellent idea, being done with shopping by 10/31! I'll shoot for that next year. I hope you have a very merry Christmas indeed, and listen to you Mannheim Steamroller CD extra loud! LOLOL
You sound seriously frazzled, kiddo. Just a guess. LOL!
I wouldn't worry about the hook thing. I'm willing to bet there's nothing in the guidelines to cover that one. Was his name Larry?
@ Jay ... LOLOLOLOL ... I almost spit coffee out me pirate nose when I read that! NO, his name was DAVID and he had all of both of his eyes, LOLOLOL!
On a more serious note, I was at your blog this morning for a mo and was AGAIN embarrassed ... this time because I did not realize you had had painful shoulder surgery. I have been a terrible blogging friend of late. I'll make it up to you, luv. Glad you're on the mend. BTW when I come across the puddle to visit you someday, I want to cuddle the Pirate and the Princess AND see the Depp Room! LOLOL!
Hi Jennifer, I've been too busy and not around much. I loved this post. And learned something new. Is your dining room clear yet? Mine is covered, but with my card making supplies. My first party here is on Sunday, so it's gotta go soon. Hope all is well with you. Don't work too hard! Be happy :)
Cheryl, I was just thinking about you today and I fully intend to get by your blog which I have enjoyed so often! Sorry to have been such a stranger. Yes, the dining table is clear now! The tree is up and decorated and all the presents are waiting breathlessly beneath it! Now I'm 99.9 percent done with my shopping, with 99 percent wrapped! And I'm meeting my deadlines ... every single one of them. God is good. Merry Christmas to you and Em!